


The Jolly Rogering

by Mousferatu



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26411203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mousferatu/pseuds/Mousferatu
Summary: Someone in Storybrooke has been writing fanfiction about the sheriff and the pirate and Emma is going to find the culprit. And punch them in the face.
Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan
Comments: 33
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set vaguely in 3B. Despite the theme, it's not remotely smutty. It's just daft.

It started at Granny's. Emma went to get her and David a cup of coffee before heading to the Sheriff’s office, hearing raucous laughter from inside the diner. As soon as she opened the door, the laughter turned to not-very-subtle shushing as several copies of The Mirror were either hastily closed or hidden behind. Emma frowned as she made her way over to Ruby (who was grinning lasciviously at her which was kinda weird). As Ruby made her drinks, Emma had the strangest feeling she was being watched. She turned around and everyone suddenly turned away. Emma self consciously ran her hand through her hair and craned her neck to look at her backside, checking she had nothing on her back or toilet paper stuck to her shoe. Thinking she was probably being paranoid, she collected the drinks from a winking Ruby, 'I made sure yours was extra **hot** , Sheriff.'

'Err...thanks.' Emma left the diner, hoping the morning would make more sense when she had her caffeine fix. She heard more laughter as the door closed behind her but Emma had definitely had stranger days and so far no one was trying to kill her so she decided to ignore it. 

When she got to the station she saw David reading The Mirror intently, his mouth an angry line as the pages shook in his tight grasp. 

"Are you ok?"

David jumped at the sound of her voice, folding the paper rapidly and throwing it on the desk in disgust. He shook his head, 'I'm gonna kill him.'

'Kill who?'

'Hook!' he said, as if it was obvious.

'What has he done?' Since Neverland, Hook and David had been almost friendly. Hook had proven a good ally and Emma was surprised by the venom in David's voice.

He pointed to the paper. 'The whole town has been laughing at it. Leroy gave me his spare copy!' At Emma's confused face he asked, 'I take it you haven't read this filth in this morning's paper?'

'Filth?' Emma wanted to laugh at David's murderous expression but thought better of it. She reached for the paper but David slammed his hand on top of it.

'What the hell?!'

'I don't think that's a good idea, honey.'

Emma peered at the front page. '”Wicked Witch Still At Large?” I mean, it's nothing we don't already know.'

'That's not the article I'm concerned with. I'd rather you didn't read it Emma. It's...awful.'

She crossed her arms. 'Ok, so give me the gist.'

David sighed, running a hand through his hair. 'There was a writing competition in The Mirror and Hook sent in a story and they published it in today's paper.'

'A story?'

'A smutty story.' David's face was crimson, whether from anger, embarrassment, or both - Emma couldn't tell. 

'Okay...'

'About him. And you.' Emma's mouth dropped open.

'Are you kidding me?!'

David sat down heavily on the desk and Emma snatched the paper to read it. David raked his hands over his face, looking traumatised by the whole thing and as Emma read on, she was beginning to understand why. Her face grew hotter and hotter as she read, trying not to think about the fact her father and - oh god - the entire town had read all about how "Captain Pegleg" had 'shivvered her timbers' and Jesus Christ did he really write he 'dropped anchor in her lagoon?!!' When Emma got to the end of the story her frown deepened as she flipped back to the start.

'You're not reading it again?' David asked, horrified.

Emma's eye's widened. 'No! It's just, it's anonymous. What makes you think Hook wrote it?'

'Are you serious? ''The Sexual Adventures of Sheriff Duckling and Captain Pegleg." Who else would have written it?'

Emma scanned the story again. 'It doesn't seem like Hook's style' she replied awkwardly.

David stared at his daughter. 'I was there in Neverland, remember? I saw the way he looked at you, not to mention the fact that he kissed you.'

Emma squirmed under her father's incredulous look. She didn't think it would help matters if she told him that she had kissed Hook, actually. She remembered Hook's promise to win her heart without any trickery, an earnest look on his face. 'I just don't think he would write something so...ungentlemanly.' David scoffed at that, taking the paper off her and throwing it in the trash. 'He would consider it bad form' Emma finished.

David sighed. 'He is a pirate, Emma.'

Emma wasn't sure why, but she was annoyed at David's insistence of Hook's guilt. She couldn't explain it, but she was almost completely convinced of Hook's innocence. Almost.

She drained the rest of her coffee and shrugged her jacket back on before plucking the paper out of the trash. 'Don't kill Hook until after I've spoken to him.' David grunted, arms folded over his chest. 

'You tell him from me if he wrote that I'll shoot him in the face.'

Emma rolled her eyes. 'Bye David.'

**************************************************

She decided to walk to the docks instead of taking the bug. She needed to clear her head. The story had unsettled her, not because it was dirty, because apart from the weird pirate puns it wasn't too X-rated. It wasn't exactly sexy. The story unsettled her because she was disappointed. David was right, Hook was the most obvious suspect and if he had written it as some kind of crazy wooing technique it wasn't what Emma had hoped for. God, had she really wanted him to woo her? She shook the thought from her head, not wanting to dwell on what that meant. She was so preoccupied she nearly crashed into Archie.

'Oh god, sorry.'

Archie smiled kindly at her. 'No harm done, Sheriff. You looked miles away.' He looked down at the rolled up newspaper clutched in Emma's fist. 'Ah, it seems The Mirror is more popular than usual today.' Emma grimaced. 'I wouldn't worry, Emma. I'm sure it'll all blow over.' 

Leroy walked past them whistling and threw a wink at Emma. The paper crunched in Emma's hand as she gripped it even harder. 'Sorry Archie, I have to go. I have to find a budding writer and punch them in the face.'

Archie frowned but nodded, gently tugging Pongo away.

Emma had walked past a dozen people, looking at her with stupid grins on their stupid faces. Whale even had the nerve to blow her a kiss. _I might have to punch a few people in the face._

By the time Emma had reached the docks, she was so pissed off she'd forgotten her earlier defence of Hook, needing someone to blame. She had no trouble finding him, he was facing the ocean, his back to her as he stared at the horizon. She suddenly realised she'd not seen The Jolly Roger since she'd returned from New York. She'd have to ask him about it some other time. This was more pressing.

'Hey!' He turned and his face broke into a grin as he saw her, before quickly schooling his features at the look on her face.

'Swan. To what do I owe this great honour?'

She poked him in the chest with the newspaper. 'Cut the crap, Hook. What the hell were you thinking, sending this creepy fanfiction to The Mirror?'

'Fanfiction?' His brow furrowed ~~adorably.~~

'Your story. Your...steamy story!' He looked even more confused so she thrust the newspaper at his chest. He took it from her and read the headline, '"Wicked Witch Still At Large." It's not the most imaginative headline love, but I fail to see what it has to do with me.'

Emma huffed and grabbed the paper from him, opening it to the relevant page. He raised an eyebrow at her before looking at the item she was pointing at. 'You wish me to read this?' At her glare he began to read, '"The Sexual Adventures of Sheriff Duckling and Captain Pegleg"' Both eyebrows went up at that. 'Sheriff Duckling pounded on the pirates cabin door, determined to be plundered by the one-legged villain. He answered the door wearing nothing but a smile and dragged her inside before tearing her clothes off and throwing her roughly on the bed...'

'Not out loud!' she interrupted, her face red.

'Swan, this appears to be about us, though the aliases are rather thinly veiled if I may say so.'

'This isn't funny Hook. What the hell were you thinking?'

His eyes widened as he got to the bit about him being "at full mast" before he registered what she had said. 'You think I wrote this?'

'Well I sure as hell didn't, so yeah, I think you wrote it.'

'You can't be serious? Swan, the grammar is appalling. This has clearly been written by an ill-educated oaf.'

She just glared at him. He read on, shaking his head. 'You thought I wrote this...this sorry excuse for erotica?' He pointed at the text, the words 'prepare to be boarded' jumping off the page. 'This pirate character divests the lady of her garments and ravishes her with absolutely no foreplay. This is defamation Swan! When I make love to a woman, I do it thoroughly.' Emma flushed but Hook's eyes were still scanning the story. He shook his head. 'This is very bad form.' He looked so angry that Emma deflated. He was telling the truth. She let out a shaky breath, trying to push images of Hook 'making love' out of her head. 

'Ok, so I didn't write it, and you didn't write it. Who did?'

'No clue, love. Sounds like a job for Sheriff Duckling.' He smiled slyly at her, cheeks dimpling.

'Very funny,' she huffed. 'Fine. I'm going to find out who did this. And punch them in the face.'

His smile turned into something soft and admiring, moving closer to her. 'I've no doubt.' She swayed slightly towards him before collecting herself and moving away.

'I guess I have a villain to catch.' 

He nodded, lifting the paper. 'May I keep this?' He chuckled softly as she snatched it from his grasp and stalked off. 


	2. Chapter 2

Emma cornered Sidney Glass at his office. After speaking to Hook she went back to the Sheriff's office but David was being weird and after picking up 3 crank calls in a row asking for Sheriff Duckling, 'I know that's you, Leroy!' Emma had had enough and decided David could handle the shift on his own. 

Sidney looked up at Emma's entrance, shuffling some papers on his desk.

'You don't look surprised to see me,' Emma said as she threw the newspaper down on his desk. 

'I thought you might have had something to say about our writing competition,' he replied hesitantly. 'I certainly hope the Sheriff's office isn't going to censor the only paper this town has.'

Emma glared at him. 'Are you really going to cite "freedom of the press" for printing this crap?! It's fiction. Wouldn't be a first for your paper.'

Sidney sighed. 'I'm sorry that you're embarrassed. Truly I am. But it was the only entry and I needed to print something that wasn't all doom and gloom. My sales haven't been great lately. People don't want to read about the latest villain trying to kill us all. People want a little light relief.'

Emma grimaced at the word 'relief'. 

'Just tell me who wrote it.'

'I don't know.'

Emma narrowed her eyes at him.

Sidney held his hands up. 'Honestly. It arrived on the doormat, no name.'

'Ok, so show me the original.'

Sidney pulled out several crumpled pages from the top drawer of his desk and handed them to her.

Emma frowned. 'No envelope?'

Sidney shook his head as Emma fanned the pages out on his desk. The story had been typed - that ruled out Hook at least. But other than that, Emma had nothing else to go on. She pocketed the pages. 'If you get any more stories you're gonna call me before you print anything, got it?'

Sidney nodded, his eyes flicking to the small pile on his desk.

*****

Mary Margaret was sat on the couch when Emma arrived at the loft, quickly shoving a newspaper between the cushions. Emma sighed as she sat down, pulling her boots off. 'You read it too?'

Her mother looked sheepish. 'Your father called me. I can't believe that Hook would...'

'It wasn't Hook,' Emma interrupted, pulling her legs up beneath her.

'Are you sure? It seems unlikely anyone else would.'

'I'm sure.' She said it like it was just that simple, and maybe it was.

'Oh.' Mary Margaret frowned, clearly not convinced. 'When is Regina dropping Henry off?'

Emma glanced at the clock. 'About an hour. She's giving him the tour. I texted her to warn her about.. all this. She's pissed at me for "creating another thing that she has to hide from her son". It's not like I wrote the damn thing.'

'She's probably stressed because of the whole Henry not remembering her thing. Don't take it personally sweetie.' Mary Margaret wanted to comfort her daughter but wasn't sure how. Emma wasn't exactly the touchy feely type.

'Do you want some hot chocolate?'

Emma smiled at her mother. 'Sure.'

By the time David got home Emma was feeling a little better. Her father looked harassed and when Mary Margaret asked him if he'd had a good day he just shook his head before looking significantly at their daughter. 'Nothing serious, just lots of crank calls.'

Emma groaned and asked for a notepad and pen as she pulled out the crumbled pages of the offending story.

'What do you need them for?' David asked as he handed the items to her.

'I'm compiling a list of suspects.'

'That's a short list, since we know it was Hook.'

'It wasn't Hook.'

David scoffed. 'So he denied it and you just believe him?!'

'Yeah. I know he seems like the most obvious suspect but his argument was persuasive.' Emma hoped they wouldn't notice her blush as she remembered Hook talking about 'ravishing' her.

'Persuasive.' David replied flatly. Mary Margaret slapped him lightly on the arm and they exchanged a look. 

'He was genuinely offended when I accused him of it.' David looked like he was about to argue but Emma continued, 'Anyway after I spoke to him I went to see Sidney.' She unfolded the printed pages. 'Pretty sure a 300 year old pirate doesn't know how to switch a computer on, let alone use it.'

'I must admit I was surprised at the lack of flowery language,' Mary Margaret offered. Emma smiled at her mom, strangely pleased she was sticking up for Hook.

'I still think you shouldn't rule him out,' David said.

Emma nodded. 'Fine, I'll put him at the top.' Between the three of them, they compiled the list.

**SUSPECTS**

** Hook **

PROS -

  * Story is about him and me. 
  * He's a pirate and they're untrustworthy by nature. 
  * Likes to push my buttons. 



_Do you have to phrase it like that?_

_David, you are not helping._

CONS -

  * Hook can't use a computer.



_As far as we know_

  * Subterfuge is not his style. He'd have signed his name to it in his stupid beautiful handwriting.



_Wait, how do you know what his handwriting looks like? Has he been writing to you?_

_No, can I get on with the list please?_

**Sidney**

PRO - 

  * Story turned up in his paper. He told me people wanted to read something "light." Could have written it to sell more papers.



CONS - 

  * Sidney would know how to spell clitoris.



_Jesus_

_Shush, David_

  * Sidney would also know better than to piss off the Sheriff.



**Ruby**

PROS - 

  * Took far too much enjoyment in the story.
  * Seems like the type to read erotica.



_Can we not call it that please?_

_Red is my oldest friend, I just can't see her doing something like this._

_Can you two stop interrupting?_

CONS - 

  * Can't imagine Ruby would be that disciplined to sit down and write it.



_And she wouldn't want to upset her oldest friend, Emma._

**Regina**

PRO - 

  * Occasionally evil.



CON - 

  * Hasn't been evil recently.



**Archie**

PRO - 

_Oh Emma, not Archie!_

PRO - 

  * Seemed apologetic when I ran into him this morning.



_He was just being nice!_

CON - 

  * He was probably just being nice.



**Whale**

PRO - 

  * Is a pervert.



_And he sleeps with other men's wives._

_We were cursed!_

CON -

  * Is a narcissist. The story would have been about himself.



*****

Emma lay awake on Granny's lumpy mattress listening to Henry sleep for what felt like hours. She glanced at the time and climbed out of bed. Standing outside Hook's door in her Snow White Pyjamas (an impulse buy when she was in New York) she hesitated before knocking on his door. 

'Who is it?' the soft voice called through the door.

'It's me. Emma,' she said stupidly.

There was a heavy pause and then, 'one moment, love.' Emma let out a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding as she heard rustling before Hook opened the door in his shirt and pants, left arm behind him. Her eyes flicked to his bedside table where his hook and brace lay - realising he had probably been naked when she'd knocked and feeling herself blush.

'Everything alright Swan?'

'Err yeah. Everything's fine. Can we talk?' 

Hook's worried expression disappeared and turned into a grin. 'Twice in one day, can't keep away from me. That story hasn't given you ideas Swan?'

Emma rolled her eyes. 'Can I come in for a minute?' Hook's eyebrow lifted. 'To talk.'

He opened the door wider to let her in and Emma stood awkwardly in the middle of his room, not wanting to sit on his bed. Hook noticed her discomfort and moved his neatly folded clothes from the chair to the bed and gestured for Emma to sit down as he took a seat on the bed opposite her. 

Emma looked at his left arm, still hidden behind his back and she gestured to it. 'You don't have to hide it you know. I've seen it before, when you were in hospital, remember?' She expected him to make a quip about being shackled to the bed but he grimaced. 

'Aye but that was before... we weren't... that was different.' He looked miserable and on impulse Emma leaned forward, putting her hand on his clenched fist resting on his thigh. 

'Killian.' His eyes shot up at hers, searching. 'We're friends. You don't have to hide that part of you from me.' It felt like she'd revealed too much, too soon but Emma couldn't take it back and when his brow smoothed out and a shy smile graced his face as he slowly moved his left arm from behind his back Emma knew she'd said the right thing. She glanced at his arm briefly as it lay in his lap and looked into the pirate's face, smiling back at him.

'What did you want to talk to me about?' His fingers twitched beneath hers before she realised she was still holding his hand. She pulled hers back, trying to be casual and failing miserably. 

_Crap_. What did she want to talk to him about? When she was in bed, fretting about the Wicked Witch, New York, Henry and now this stupid story she just wanted...she just wanted to talk to Hook. 

'Can you look after Henry tomorrow?' She blurted, cringing. Mary Margaret was supposed to look after Henry and now Emma would need to come up with an excuse for asking Hook instead without raising eyebrows and hurting Mary Margaret's feelings. _Good job Emma!_

'Of course, love. I'd be honoured.'

'Thanks. Unless the Wicked Witch attacks I'm planning on spending tomorrow finding the writer.'

'I take it you've had no luck so far?'

'Nope. I've only eliminated one suspect so far. You.'

Hook chuckled. 'You'll find the villain Swan. You always do.'

Emma blushed and it suddenly dawned on her why she needed to speak to Hook. He just made her feel better. He always had faith in her, when she had none in herself. She smiled shakily as she stood up. Hook stood too, ever the gentleman, and walked her to the door, 'Ok, I'll drop Henry off tomorrow around 9?' He nodded at her.

'Well, goodnight. Killian.'

'Goodnight Emma.'

*****

Emma nearly tripped over the damn thing when she left her room the next morning. She bent down to pick up the obstruction - the latest copy of The Mirror. She scanned the front page and saw it. 'Turn to page 3 for The Continued Sexual Adventures of Sheriff Duckling and Captain Pegleg.' 

_Son of a bitch_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally intended this to be a funny little story but it kind of got away from me and has turned into something else. Oops.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the lovely comments on the previous chapters. I absolutely love that you've been guessing who the culprit is. Sorry for the delay, the next (and final) chapter will be posted much quicker and the culprit will soon be revealed...

The door to Sidney's office smacked against the wall as a very pissed off Sheriff stormed in, hurling the latest paper at an alarmed looking Sidney. He held his hands up defensively.

'Sheriff, I appreciate that you're upset but...'

'You're damn right I'm upset. You told me you'd call if you got any more stories before printing, and yet I open today's paper and see **three** more stories and a dirty limerick!'

'Ok, but what you actually said was to call you if I received any more.' At her murderous look he carried on frantically. 'But these had already arrived by the time you showed up so technically I didn't do anything wr...' He broke off as she grabbed his lapels and pulled him violently towards her, his face grimacing.

'I am not in the mood for a semantic argument. I just had to read a "poem" called 'What shall we do with the horny sailor' over my morning poptarts. If you want your crappy paper to continue I suggest you stop wasting my time.'

Sidney gulped as Emma's hands gripped tighter and he nodded at her so she let him go. 

'You are going to show me everything from now on.'

He sighed and took out a wad of papers from his top drawer, fanning them out on his desk. He pointed to one. 'This came by email late last night.' 

Emma picked it up. It was a printed copy of the whole email. 

'I left this one out,' Sidney muttered.

She scoffed. 'You mean it arrived too late for you to publish it.'

'Well yes but when you read it you'll see why I left it out.'

The email address was DrSexy@gmail.com. Emma rolled her eyes. Her face went bright red as she read the story about "Dr Sexy" and his threesome with a 'lady in red' and a 'pixie haired princess'. When Emma read the line 'I diagnose that you have sexy disease' she slammed the pages down in disgust. 

'Whale.'

'That was my assumption too. I promise you I wasn't going to print that one. The story about you and Hook was a bit of fun.' She narrowed her eyes at him, face still red with anger but he carried on regardless. 'This, though...It's a bit too x-rated for the paper.'

'I'm glad we've found a line you won't cross,' Emma answered sarcastically before picking up the next sheaf of papers. It was the continued adventures of Captain Pegleg and Sheriff Duckling. She'd read it that morning and the last sentence - 'Thar she blows!' - nearly put her off her breakfast. 'When did this one arrive?'

'Not sure, it must have arrived when I was having lunch, not long before I saw you yesterday.'

'No envelope again?'

Sidney shook his head.

She moved on to the poem. It wasn't half bad, it rhymed and everything. Emma had to admit that rhyming 'pirate' with 'my butt' was kinda funny.

'This was in an envelope', Sidney said, handing it to her. There was nothing written on it but it was on Granny's stationary. Emma finally felt like she was getting somewhere. The stationary was in all of the rooms at Granny's but not in the diner. The author of the poem had to be a guest. Or, Emma thought, thinking back to her suspect list - Ruby.

The next story had got Emma a bit hot under the collar. It was mostly about Hook and well...his hook. The author of this story hadn't even bothered to pretend they were writing about anyone else. Thankfully the female character wasn't named but Emma did worry someone had read her mind when there was a huge section dedicated to Hook tearing off the woman's clothes with his hook. It might have been something she'd imagined once or twice. She remembered how breathless she'd felt at the top of that damn beanstalk when Hook had bandaged her hand using his teeth. Emma was so relieved no one had witnessed that particular moment between them. The story was handwritten and the writing was vaguely familiar but she couldn't place it. 

There was another handwritten story that in many ways was more traumatising than the others. It wasn't attempting to be sexy, but there were lots of hints about 'true love' between the saviour and the pirate and Emma didn't really know how she felt about it. She didn't recognise the writing at all.

Emma looked up from the pages. 'These are just the ones in today's paper. I take it you've got more? Other than the creepy one about my mother.'

Sidney pulled out a wad of papers from his in tray and Emma's eyes widened.

'You've got to be kidding me.'

'They're not all about you and the pirate. It seems several residents have caught the writing bug.'

There were twelve - _twelve!_ \- more about Emma and Hook. Emma scanned them and took six out, telling Sidney in no uncertain terms they were not going in the paper as she put them in her jacket pocket. She pushed the remaining stories towards him. 'Those are terrible but not mentally scarring. You can publish them if you want.'

He looked glum. 'These are the worst ones. You've left me with all the crap.'

'Yep.' She leafed through the others, a handful of vaguely smutty stories involving various townspeople, thankfully none of whom she actually knew. 'These are fine too.'

'Great,' Sidney replied unenthusiastically.

Emma pulled her phone out of her pocket to check the time, cursing under her breath as she realised she was late for meeting Regina. She wouldn't hear the end of it. 'I don't want another surprise like this morning. I'm letting you print most of this garbage so the least you can do is call me when you get anymore. Got it?'

He sighed. 'Of course Sheriff.'

With a final warning glare to Sidney, she left, touching the pocket with the wads of paper as she made her way to Regina's vault.

**********

'You're late,' Regina scolded.

'Yeah sorry. I had to speak to Sidney about...something.'

Regina rolled her eyes as she opened her trunk to look for something. 'Do you not think your energy should be focussed on defeating the Wicked Witch that's trying to kill us all instead of worrying about sordid little stories about you and your pirate,' she said irritably.

Emma folded her arms defensively. 'I'm a cop. Magic is your area of expertise, not mine.'

'If that's your attitude then we're all screwed.' Regina stood to look Emma in the eye, her hand clutching a spell book. 'What is this really about?'

Emma frowned. 'What?'

'Why do you care so much about these stories anyway? It's not exactly life or death.'

Emma shrugged. 'I don't know. I guess... I guess looking for a bad guy who isn't trying to kill the whole town makes a nice change. Ever since Hook arrived in New York my life and Henry's life have been plagued by danger. If I don't find the creep who wrote these stories at least no one will die. If we can't defeat Zelena...'

'We will,' Regina cut in. 'You, me, your parents and your pirate boyfriend...'

'He's not my boyfriend.'

'...your pirate boyfriend will defeat her. Together. You're not on your own.'

Emma didn't look totally convinced but she nodded.

'Now, hand me that potion behind you.' Emma did as she was asked as Regina added the contents to her cauldron. 'You know there's probably a spell that can find your villain.'

Emma smiled. 'Thanks for the offer but I kind of want to do this the old fashioned way.'

Regina shrugged. 'My way's faster. Unless of course you want to delay finding the culprit because you're enjoying the stories of the Captain... what was it? 'Dropping his anchor in...'

'Ok! Let's change the subject. Teach me some magic...stuff.' 

Regina smirked as she opened her spell book.

**********

Emma was getting used to the muffled giggles behind her back but when she walked into Granny's that afternoon to the sound of a wolf whistle she whirled round and saw Leroy sat with some of the other dwarves. His grin soon soured at the look on Emma's face. Emma made her way over to where Hook and Henry were sat. Gambling. With fries. Damn pirate.

She sat down wearily next to Henry, trying to ignore the butterflies she felt at Hook's soft smile and 'hello, love.'

'Mom, Killian is so cool! He's been teaching me how to sail.' 

Emma ruffled Henry's hair. 'Has he?' she asked, looking directly at the pirate.

'Aye. The lad's a fine sailor, Swan.'

'I see you're also teaching him gambling.'

Henry piped up. 'Only with fries mom. Killian said he'd bankrupt me if we were playing with real money.'

'Well that's a relief.' Emma glared at the pirate but there was no heat in it. He answered her glare with a cheeky grin.

Emma turned to her son. 'We've been invited to David and Mary Margaret's for dinner tonight. Do you want to go and wash up? I need to talk to Killian about his case.'

'Sure. See ya, Killian.' Emma stood so Henry could get past.

'Goodbye Henry.' Hook smiled at Emma as she sat back down, grabbing a handful of cold fries and shovelling them into her mouth. 'He's a good lad,' he said fondly.

'Yeah he is,' Emma shifted uncomfortably. With Henry gone, she was painfully aware that she was sitting in full view of the town with Hook.

'Are you alright Swan?'

'Yeah. No. It's been a long day,' she sighed.

'No closer to the culprit I take it?'

She shook her head. 'And now there's tonnes more stories, they just keep coming.'

Her eyes bulged as she realised what she'd just said. To Hook's credit, he didn't comment on it but it was obvious he was trying very hard not to laugh. She carried on hurriedly. 'There's so many I haven't even had a chance to question anybody.' Her shoulders slumped tiredly. 'There's just too much, I don't know where to start.'

'Perhaps you should only focus your energy on one of the writers, love. Once you've got your man, the others will either reveal themselves or stop.'

'You sure about that?'

'Aye. The townspeople will amuse themselves with other things soon enough. No matter how charming or handsome I am.'

Emma rolled her eyes.

'Of course,' Hook continued, 'the Wicked Witch could kill us all and that would solve your problem too.'

Emma laughed despite herself. 'I guess every cloud has a silver lining, huh?' She looked down at the table. 'I really want to catch whoever wrote the first story. I don't care as much about the others.'

Hook nodded. 'The one that started it all. Makes sense. Do you need a hand love?'

She looked at him, a slight smile on her lips. 'Is that a joke?'

'I am surprisingly good at research.'

Emma chewed her lip thoughtfully. 'Alright. I'll come to your room later with all the original copies. Maybe you'll see something I've missed.'

Hook smiled softly at her. Emma returned the smile shyly.

'Ahem.'

Emma jumped at the interruption. Ruby stood next to their table with a wolfish grin on her face. 'Sorry to interrupt. Can I get you anything? Anything you _desire?_ Anything you have a burning _need_ to try?'

Hook smirked and asked for a cocoa as Emma scowled. Henry chose that moment to emerge, saving Ruby from Emma's wrath. 

'No thanks Ruby, I was just leaving.' Ruby was still hovering by their table as Emma stood and turned to Hook, her face burning as she said 'see you later' to Hook as casually as she could muster. She felt Ruby's grin at her back as she left the diner.

**********

Emma's phone buzzed in her pocket when she and Henry arrived at her parent's loft. She ducked into the hallway when Henry helped Mary Margaret set the table. She had a voicemail from Sidney asking her to call him as soon as possible. Emma groaned as she pressed call.

'Ah Emma. I've been trying to reach you all afternoon.'

'Sorry, I don't think there's much signal in Regina's vault.'

'Right, well. I've had some more.'

'Ok...'

'Another one about Captain Pegleg.'

'Yeah ok.' Emma cut in.

'Well we've also had one come in that I don't think I should print. It's about your mother.'

'Whale. That perve!'

'Ahh no, actually. It's about your mother and father.'

'Oh god', Emma groaned.

'And I know who wrote it.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line from Whale's story was stolen verbatim from Joe Cornish's Song Wars song "Dr Sexy". It's such a niche reference that to explain it would take me almost as long as this chapter, but it's on youtube if you want to listen and it's very funny.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the fab comments, I'm loving reading the theories. This was supposed to be 4 chapters but this one got away from me... Chapter 5 will be the last one, though. Probably...

David opened the door when Emma hadn't gone inside. She was staring at her phone so hard David was worried it might explode.

'Emma?'

She jumped at the sound of his voice.

'Are you ok?'

She nodded and pocketed her phone, silently walking into the apartment, her concerned father following.

Emma was distracted throughout dinner so it was left to David and Mary Margaret to valiantly keep the conversation going.

Mary Margaret stood to get the dessert and Emma jumped up to help, following her mother to the kitchen. She looked over at Henry who thankfully was in deep conversation with her father. Mary Margaret was busy slicing the pie when Emma murmured, 'I had an interesting talk with Sidney earlier.'

Mary Margaret's hand stilled, her voice carefully even, 'oh?'

'Yeah. Said someone dropped off another story at his office this afternoon.'

'Well, it seems lots of people are writing stories.'

'Hmm. He also said that when he heard the mail drop he ran to the door and saw someone walking away.'

'Emma...'

'You wanna tell me why you wrote a smutty story about you and David? And sent it to the paper?!' Emma hissed, angrily pulling plates out.

Mary Margaret glanced at the boys but they hadn't seemed to notice the whispered argument in the kitchen. She turned to look at her daughter.

'I'm sorry Emma. It's just... since being pregnant I've been left behind in everything and I've been so bored...'

'You were bored?! That's your excuse?' Emma was incredulous.

'Well I was supposed to look after Henry today but you left him with Hook!' Mary Margaret shot back. Emma had the grace to look guilty. 'There are all these stories about you and Hook,' Emma squirmed, 'and not just in the paper...'

'What??'

'Oh. I thought you knew. People have been bypassing the paper and leaving copies in Granny's. David's had a hell of a time collecting them all.' Emma groaned, she could feel a stress headache coming on. 'There were all these stories about you and Hook and... well me and your father are very sexy, Emma.'

'Oh my god,' Emma buried her face in her hands.

'Very sexy.'

'Can you please stop saying that?'

'Your father is much sexier than Hook.'

'I...I don't know how you want me to respond to that.'

'I just wanted something about us.'

Emma folded her arms. 'So let me get this straight. You wrote your own erotica because you were jealous of the - very unwelcome - attention me and Hook were getting?'

Mary Margaret shrugged as she started to plate up the pie. 'I just wanted to even things out a bit.' She leaned in conspiratorially, 'there are things your father has done to me that...'

'I am literally begging you not to finish that sentence.'

Mary Margaret put her hand on Emma's arm. 'It wasn't just that.' Emma braced herself for another traumatising revelation. 'Being pregnant is wonderful but I don't feel very sexy right now and writing that story, I felt sexy again.'

Emma sighed. 'I get it. It's kinda weird but I get it. But couldn't you have just kept it between you and David?' She knew her voice sounded whiny but damnit this was somehow worse than the tacos incident.

Mary Margaret looked embarrassed. 'I guess I got a little carried away.'

Emma huffed out a laugh. 'Well it's not getting published.' Mary Margaret looked disappointed. 'But I'll get it off Sidney and give it back to you.' Her mother grinned sheepishly. 'And let's never speak of this again.'

**********

Emma made sure Henry was settled and knocked on Hook's door. She heard him shuffling around and then his door opened with a flourish. He'd taken off his coat but was still every inch the pirate captain.

'Swan,' Hook grinned as he moved aside to let Emma in.

'I hope it's not too late. Mary Margaret kept feeding us pie.' Emma shoved her hands in her back pockets as she stood next to Hook's bed.

'Not at all, your mum has been missing you.'

'Yeah I think it's more that she was feeling guilty.' Emma eyed the chair, it was empty of Hook's things, ready for her to sit on. She wavered a moment and then sat on the bed.

If Hook was surprised by her move he didn't show it. 'Guilty?' He was still standing, not sure where to sit. Emma noticed his discomfort and nodded next to her.

'Are you gonna sit down?'

He sat on the bed gingerly, a respectable distance from her. 

'My mother wrote her own little story and sent it to The Mirror.'

Hook looked alarmed. 'About us?'

'What? No! About her and David.' She shuddered.

Hook chuckled. 'And does the prince know how to pleasure his lady?'

Emma hit him on the arm. 'Gross! Those are my parents! What the hell is wrong with you?'

He opened his mouth but Emma cut him off. 'Don't answer that, we'll be here all night.'

'I wouldn't object to you being in my quarters all night, Swan.'

Emma rolled her eyes and pulled out the wads of paper from her jacket pocket, unfolding them and putting them on the bed between them.

'Alright, let's just get down to business. I mean...you know what I mean.' Thankfully Hook was feeling chivalrous and didn't comment on her Freudian slip. She cleared her throat as she fanned out the pages. 'Ok, so this pile are all the handwritten ones.' She pointed to another pile. 'These were all printed.' She gestured to the poem, 'that one was in one of Granny's envelopes.'

Hook smiled as he picked it up. 'I rather liked the poem.'

Emma smirked. 'Yeah, I bet Shakespeare never thought to rhyme "sailor" with "impale her".'

'Who?'

Emma smiled at his perplexed expression. She'd never say it out loud, but Hook was really cute when he was confused. 'Never mind. Do you recognise the writing?'

He shook his head. 'Sorry love.'

'Well it was in one of Granny's envelopes. It must be someone staying here. We know it wasn't you or me - who else is staying here?'

Hook rubbed his hand along his jaw. 'Only Tinkerbell, I think.' He shook his head. 'She didn't write this.'

Emma frowned. 'The evidence points to her.'

'It's not her style.'

Emma drummed her fingers on the bed. 'You know her really well, huh.'

He raised that ridiculous eyebrow. 'Is there a question there, Swan?'

'No. Merely an observation. Anyway, I don't care.' Emma suspected Hook didn't need an internal lie detector to know that she was definitely not telling the truth. He didn't comment on it, and he picked up one of the handwritten stories, studying it. It was the one that had Emma hot under the collar and was imaginatively called "Pirate Booty."

'Of course you'd like that one. I thought we were looking at the poem?' Emma huffed.

'It does capture my many attractions,' he grinned, 'but I think I know who wrote this one.'

'You do? Who?' She leaned forward to look at the paper as if the answer was written on it. She didn't realise how close she was to him, her long hair draped over his arm until he cleared his throat softly.

'One moment,' he stood reluctantly and walked over to the desk, leaning underneath it for the waste paper basket. He pulled out what he was looking for and came back to sit on the bed, handing the paper to Emma. One line was written on Granny's stationary.

_In case you get lucky, Captain._

Emma held it next to the story, realisation dawning. 'Oh my god, you're amazing! I knew I recognised the writing. Ruby! Take that, Mary Margaret! I knew I was right to add Ruby to my suspect list.' She grinned at Hook. He was smiling at her shyly, tips of ears tinged pink. 

She looked again at the note Ruby had left. 'What does the note mean?'

Hook walked over to where his coat was hanging up on the back of the door and reached into his pocket, pulling something out. He handed it to Emma. 'There were about a dozen of these with the note. I was going to ask her what they were.'

Emma flushed as she sat on Hook's bed holding a condom. And she thought her mother trying to tell her about her sex life was going to be the most embarrassed she felt today.

'Uh, it's called a condom. It's for protection.' His head was tilted and he had that adorable confused look on his face. Oh god, was she really going to have to spell it out? 'It's to stop babies and disease when you... you know.'

'Oh. How does it work?'

He looked genuinely curious in that way he had when he came up against something from the modern world he didn't understand.

'You just...put it on.' Yep, this was definitely more traumatising than her parent's sex life.

Hook plucked it from her hand, inspecting it.

'Put it where?'

She groaned. 'You have to open it first and...'

He did so, with his teeth which was very distracting. 'Ah, it's a sheath,' he said happily as he unfurled it. 'Why didn't you say so?'

_Really?_ 'Can you focus please?'

'Apologies Swan.' She watched as he threw the condom and wrapper in the trash, hoping Ruby wouldn't be cleaning the room tomorrow. She'd take one look at the trash, add two and two together and make five.

Emma pulled together the Captain Pegleg stories and spread them between them on the bed. 'Anything in these jump out at you?'

'Apart from a terrible grasp of grammar, nothing. Sorry love, with these printed stories I don't think I'll be much help.'

'You've already been a big help,' she assured him. 

He ducked his head, rubbing a spot behind his ear and giving Emma a flashback to their kiss in Neverland. 'I take it Storybrooke has more than one printing press?' Hook interrupted her drifting thoughts.

'Huh? Oh, well, printing is really easy here. Anyone can own a printer, they're small,' she explained.

Hook nodded. 'So anyone could have printed this privately?'

'Yeah. Wait - Mary Margaret wrote hers by hand because she doesn't have a printer at home. And when it comes to technology in this town, it's at least a decade behind everyone else.'

'So?'

'So.... I don't think many people in Storybrooke, if any, has their own printer.'

'Where would they print these then?'

Emma gasped. 'The library!'

'You think Belle...?'

'No, not Belle. Anyone in Storybrooke can use the computers and printers in the library. But they need a library card and each card has your details on. It keeps a record.'

Hook smiled, catching on. 'So you can deduce who used the printers. That's brilliant love.'

Emma grinned. 'I think we've got him.'

Emma's eyes drifted to the clock. 'Oh crap, it's late. I'd better get back before Henry misses me.' She started to gather all the papers. 'Do you have any envelopes? I don't want him seeing these.'

'Of course love, in the drawer next to you.' He stood to walk over, a look of panic suddenly crossing his face as he remembered something. Emma had turned to open the drawer. Hook sprang forward, 'I'll get them!' Emma's hand had already pulled the drawer open.

'Why? I'm closer...' Nestled beside the envelopes were several pages neatly tied together with a red ribbon, Emma's name clearly visible in his cursive writing. She pulled the package out with a shaking hand.

'It's not what it looks like.'


End file.
